For those who indulge in internet dating:
CRAZY ED offers you this handy questionnaire: Optimize your Internet Blind Dating with the Internet Mate Pre-Screening Interview!
J.A.P. = **Test Evaluator
Presenting: the “J.A.P.”**P.M.S. Test
**P.M.S. = **Perfect Mate Screening
(Just what the JAPs need…a case for MORE **P.M.S.’ “Crazy Ed”)
SUGGESTIONS to JAP/Evaluator
Using this pre-screening interview questionnaire can help to determine long-term potential compatibility.
To successfully navigate this site and properly evaluate the results of the questionnaire, the JAP/ Evaluator often needs objective & honest input from a trusted source.
The JAP/Evaluator can become familiar with the requisites and protocols of vital dating concerns with the help of a P.M.S Advisory Manual: a/k/a “the Girlfriend/Sister Manual” (more on this point soon)
so let’s begin the questionnaire…
SUGGESTIONS to APPLICANTS
Incomplete answers or applications submitted without requested documents will be ignored…so complete all questions…chances may improve that I respond, or even momentarily glance in your direction…
Applicants should submit completed questionnaires by e-mail to: Sights2High@ru4real.com
Q 1. Your age bracket:
Gee, nice e-mail photo. Who was President then? Reagan? Bush Sr?
1. over age 45 (need not complete further-unless meet criteria 7 in Q 2)___
2. 40-44 (continue if an elected official or CEO/CFO of a public corp)___
3. 35-39 (continue if you have all your own hair)_____
4. 26-34 (continue if passed Doctoral, pre-Doctoral or post-grad State boards__(Burger King University grads or McDonalds franchisee degrees do not qualify)
5. 21-25 (continue if family net worth exceeds $2.5 million)____
6. 18-20 has a formal trust been established, funded & allows for free access upon marriage?___
Q 2. Your Income:
1. < $25,000 (feel free to apply for the job of ‘personal valet’)
2. $25-50,000 (may we forward your application to–a girlfriend, or sister?)
3. $51-79,000 (continue only if still living at home)___
4. $80-149,000 (continue if a Junior Associate eligible for full partner)___
5. $150-250K ___(continue if your condo is priced $1m up____and/or you own a BMW–Porsche ___
6. $251-500K ___(continue if your condo is priced $2m up____ and/or you own a boat ____and/or a Caddy Brougham)___
(attach ‘Big Four’ CPA firm audited Financial Report!)___
7. $501K-$1M___ You may download directions to my apt. The key is under the mat.
Q 3. Your Religious & Family Beliefs:
Consult these vital dating concerns with P.M.S Advisory Manual: a/k/a “the Girlfriend/Sister Manual”
Jews for Jesus, Reconstructionist or “OTHER” what…are you kidding?need not complete further
1. Orthodox, will only marry a virgin__ (need not complete further)
2. Conservative-Orthodox: will consider marrying a non-virgin__
3. Brood Expectations: num sibs (in immediate family)? 1-3__; 3-5__; 6 or more__
num of children desired? 3 or more__; 6 or more__
If applicant has passed this far and elects to continue, applicant must supply a detailed essay with his views on “long term relations & proportionate Jewelry selections!“
a/k/a “the Jewelry Protocol”
To evaluate/grade results of the essay, the JAP/evaluator should consult with P.M.S. Advisory Manual: a/k/a “the Girlfriend/Sister Manual”
4. Conservative, would consider stopping at 2 children__(adds 25 points!)
4 a. must home be maintained Kosher?__(subtracts 10 points!)
5. Reform (continue if circumcised & Bar Mitzvah-ed)__
Applicant may continue with questionnaire:
a. if received satisfactory scores on: “the Jewelry Protocol”
b. if checked answer 6 or 7 to Q 2 c. if meet criteria specified by P.M.S. Advisory Manual: a/k/a “the Girlfriend/Sister Manual”
NOTE: in case a copy of P.M.S. Advisory Manual: a/k/a “the Girlfriend/Sister Manual” is unavailable, the JAP/evaluator may consult with an on-line Girlfriend/Sister Committee (composed of a real girlfriend and/or sister)
6. Future In-Laws (his parents) What IF They…
- Live 100+ miles away? (adds 10 points!)
- Live in court mandated supervised care? (adds 25 points!)
- Are dead? (add one “woeful gasp” then add 50 points!)
- PLUS an extra 75 points:
- if answer 5 or 6 to Q 1 or
- if answer 5, 6 or 7 to Q 2!
Q 4. Your Physical traits:
A. HEIGHT (Per “the Girlfriend/Sister Manual” ‘SIZE MATTERS’!)
1. Over 6′ 2″ (feel free to complete application)___
2. Under 6′ (continue if accomplished body sculptor)__
3. Over 5’6″ (Y or N: considering lifts?)___
4. Over 5′ (troglodytes need not complete further)
5. Under 5′ (Have you considered a career move–to the circus?)
B. Your “CARROT” Length
(Per “the Girlfriend/Sister Manual” ‘SIZE MATTERS’!)
CARROT: Symbolic of…what physical trait?
“Hey-try to stay PG-13, OK?”
If your carrot is:
1. Up to 2″ (a real great future awaits you–in the circus!)
2. 2″ to 4″ (may we forward your application to–a girlfriend, or sister?)__
3. 4″ plus (continue only if you have no implants)__
4. 6″ plus (include photo with Ruler alongside)__
5. 8″ plus__ (If you checked choice 5: You may download directions to my apt. The key is under the mat.)
C. Your Bed Habits
Viagra users: need not complete further (attach recent lab work-up & urinalysis report)
1. I like sex at least daily (feel free to complete rest of application)__
2. I bed more than one girl, even if in a “committed” relationship__
a. Applicant to continue questionnaire if selected answer 3, 4 or 5 to Q 4 B
b. just once more—review results (the quantity & quality) of your applicant’s “the Jewelry Protocol” details)
c. consider “screening out” the applicant after consult with “the on-line Girlfriend/Sister Committee”…and then…
d. seriously consider the chances that one day you may discover your “applicant” in bed with a Committee member…
3. My woman must sleep only with me __
a. control your natural tendency to smirk
b. consult “the Girlfriend/Sister Manual”
c. then repeat the ““the Jewelry Protocol”
4. I travel a lot…do what you want & here’s a no limit platinum card__
You may download directions to my apt. The key is under the mat.
Q5. Political/Moral beliefs
(please submit only non-controversial topics for 1st date patter)
click soundplayer for JFK Clan “spoof”
1. I care about world peace__hunger__the homeless_(?)
2. I care about global warming__the environment__whales__(??)
3. I am politically active & intend to run for office__ (???)
4. I am a committed Zionist & wish to live in Israel__(!!)
If checked, Applicant may only continue with questionnaire:
a. if received satisfactory scores on: “the Jewelry Protocol” and b. if Applicant indicated choice 4 of Q 4 C
5. I believe in fidelity, in open & honest marriages__
Provide detail of family ‘baggage’, e.g. relatives with a felony conviction, professional disbarment or impeachment, adulterous behavior & intimate trysts; list prior marriages, deaths, acts of sexual inappropriateness; or previous co-habitation relationship(s) since you attained the age of consent.
Applicant waives protest rights & agrees herein:
- to submit to a DNA test, if needed.
- to supply certified divorce decrees or death certificates.
- to provide copies of standing court orders on family members
- to identify potential individuals whom may surface to contest wills.
“Thanks for your interest- I may respond (don’t hold your breath!) within 10 days (unless I meet Prince Charming by then!)”
© 1999, updated 2010, 2017 by “Crazy Ed” Savitt
WHY I WROTE this article….Notes from Crazy Ed
Unmarried Jewish Woman, Age 35 plus, seeks an internet Prince!
True story: I once met a lady from Chicago (35-ish, never married) with very specific criteria for finding & marrying her Jewish Prince.
I was treated to a shocking & unique interpretation of marriage & family values!
The most frightening aspect of her behavior: she was hooked on internet dating, meeting every available guy in every city she visited (in case ‘Mr. Right’ was a casual cup of coffee away).
(‘she looks tasty‘) (‘gotta polish him off & move on’)
She dated (up to) 4 new daily contacts. Between each she checked on the nearest net connection to chat rooms, her e-mail, etc. She repeated the stock line “‘…Oh, you’re SO funny” to at least a dozen consecutive prospective suitors…
She exuded the same vapid ambition & manipulation of Golden Globe winner (Oscar nominee) Nichole Kidman (To Die For). Check out the film: you probably have met someone like her…
Exposure to “genuine warmth” of this nurturing dating environment provided the inspiration for this bit of stunned Ed sarcasm-—
© 1999, 2017 by “Crazy Ed” Savitt
MORE About Nichole Kidman
Nichole, split from superstar Scientologist Tom Cruise, also played an ambitious adultress in Malice.
I understand that Nichole will be in the 2018 “Aquaman” Movie.
Did you see the Movie “Bowfinger” starring Steve Martin & Eddie Murphy? Inspired by that (somewhat “unknown” comedy) Ed teases Scientology, EST & other mindtrips in another article laced with sarcasm: The “Semi-Tough Battlefield Earth” or Do Scientologists openly lust for Nichole Kidman?
MORE About JEWISH “Sarcasm”
The “PMS test” also honors a favorite family Jewish humorist, Dan Greenburg.
Bearing chapter titles “Bread with Everything” and “Making Guilt Work” we howled as Dad read aloud from the ’64 classic.
Dan Greenburg also wrote “How to Make Yourself Miserable (for the rest of the Century)”, 1966.