INSTRUCTIONS: This pre-screening will quickly determine long-term potential compatibility. Incomplete answers or applications without requested documents will be ignored...so complete all questions if possible...chances improve that I may respond, or even momentarily glance in your direction...

1. over age 45 (need not complete any further questions)__
2. 40-44 (continue if an elected official or CEO/CFO of a public corp)__
3. 35-39 (continue if you have all your own hair)_____
4. 26-34 (continue if passed Doctoral, pre-Doctoral or post-grad State boards-Burger King or McDonalds franchise degrees do not qualify)
5. 21-25 (continue if family net worth exceeds $2.5 million)
6. 18-20 has a formal trust been executed, established, funded & allows for free access upon marriage?___

1. < $25,000 (feel free to apply for the job of 'personal valet')
2. $25-50,000 (need not complete any further questions)
3. $51-79,000 (continue only if still living at home)__
4. $80-149,000 (continue if a Junior Associate up for full partner)
5. $150-200K (attach 'Big six' audited Financial Reports!)
6. $201-500K (continue if your condo is priced $1/2m up and/or you own a boat and/or a BMW--Porsche--Caddy Brougham)
7. $501Kl-$1M download directions to my apt. The key is under the mat.

1. Orthodox, will only marry a virgin__(need not complete further)
2. Conservative-Orthodox: will consider marrying a non-virgin__
num of kids (immediate family)? 1-3; 3-5; 6 or more__
num of children desired? 3 or more__ 6 or more__

Provide a detailed essay with your views on "long term relations & proportionate Jewelry selections!"

3. Conservative, will consider stopping at 2 children__ must home be maintained Kosher?__ (subtracts 10 points from total)

4. Reform (continue if circumcised & Bar Mitzvahed)__
a. describe the quantity & quality of your intended Jewelry selections
b. continue if you checked answer 6 or 7 to Q 2!

5. Future In-Laws (his parents)--What IF They?: Live 100+ miles away? (adds 10 points!) Live in court mandated supervised care?(adds 25 points) Are dead?(add one woeful gasp, then add 50 points); plus 75 points if answer 5 or 6 to Q 1 or if answer 5, 6 or 7 to Q 2!

A. HEIGHT
Per "Sister/Girlfriend" manual; 'SIZE MATTERS'!
1. Over 6' 2" (feel free to complete application)___
2. Under 6' (continue if accomplished body sculptor)__
3. Over 5'6" (Y or N: considering lifts?)___
4. Over 5' (troglodytes need not complete further)
5. Under 5' Have you considered a career move--to the circus?

B. CARROT Length

(i.e., see "Sister/Girlfriend" manual: 'SIZE MATTERS'!
1. Up to 2" (a real great future awaits you--in the circus!)
2. 2" to 4" May we forward your application to--a girlfriend, or sister?__
3. 4" plus (continue only if you have no implants)__
4. 6" plus (include photo with Ruler alongside)__
5. 8" plus Download directions to my apt. The key is under the mat.

C. Bed Habits

1. I like sex at least daily (feel free to complete rest of application)__
2. I like sex with more than one girl (review "Sister/Girlfriend" manual)__
3. I bed more than one girl, even if dating "commitedly"__ (consult "Sister/Girlfriend" manual & in detail describe the quantity & quality of your intended Jewelry selections)
4. My woman must sleep only with me __
a. control the tendency to smirk, again consult the "manual" then repeat "Jewelry" protocol
b. continue if you answered 3, 4 or 5 to Q 4 B!
5. I travel a lot...do what you want & here's a no limit platinum card__
Download directions to my apt. The key is under the mat.

Q5. Political/Moral beliefs:

(please submit only non-controversial topics for 1st date patter)

click for soundbite & to enlarge

Provide detail of family 'baggage', behavior & intimate trysts; identify potential 'will contesters' whom may surface; list prior marraiges, deaths or standing court orders on family members +/or previous co-habitational relationship(s) since you attained the age of consent. Prepare to supply certified divorce decrees or death certificates. Applicant waives any protest rights & agrees herein to submit to a DNA test, if needed.

She dated (up to) 4 new daily contacts. Between each she checked on the nearest net connection to chat rooms, her e-mail, etc. I was treated to a shocking & unique interpretation of marriage & family values! She exuded the same vapid assurance & manipulation of Golden Globe winner (Oscar nominee) Nichole Kidman (To Die For)

Nutured in such an enviornment, came this original bit of stunned Ed sarcasm---