CRAZY ED offers you this handy chart for those who indulge in internet dating:

Optimize your Internet Blind Dating with

the Internet Mate Pre-Screening Interview!

Presenting: the "J.A.P."/ P.M.S. Test--

"J.A.P." / P.M.S. Test" you ask, what the hell is THAT???

**P.M.S. = Perfect Mate Screening

'Just what the JAPs need...a case for**P.M.S.' "Crazy Ed"

SAMPLE TEST CASE: Unmarried Jewish Woman, Age 35 plus, seeks an internet Prince!

submit applications by e-mail to: Sights2High@ru4real.com

INSTRUCTIONS: This pre-screening will quickly determine long-term potential compatibility. Incomplete answers or applications without requested documents will be ignored...so complete all questions if possible...chances improve that I may respond, or even momentarily glance in your direction...

Q 1. Your age bracket:

Gee, nice e-mail photo. Who was President then? Reagan? Bush Sr?

1. over age 45 (need not complete any further questions)__
2. 40-44 (continue if an elected official or CEO/CFO of a public corp)__
3. 35-39 (continue if you have all your own hair)_____
4. 26-34 (continue if passed Doctoral, pre-Doctoral or post-grad State boards-Burger King or McDonalds franchise degrees do not qualify)
5. 21-25 (continue if family net worth exceeds $2.5 million)
6. 18-20 has a formal trust been executed, established, funded & allows for free access upon marriage?___

Q 2. Your Income:

1. < $25,000 (feel free to apply for the job of 'personal valet')
2. $25-50,000 (need not complete any further questions)
3. $51-79,000 (continue only if still living at home)__
4. $80-149,000 (continue if a Junior Associate up for full partner)
5. $150-200K (attach 'Big six' audited Financial Reports!)
6. $201-500K (continue if your condo is priced $1/2m up and/or you own a boat and/or a BMW--Porsche--Caddy Brougham)
7. $501K-$1M download directions to my apt. The key is under the mat.

Q 3. Your Religious & Family Beliefs:

Jews for Jesus, Reconstructionist or OTHER need not complete further what...are you kidding?

1. Orthodox, will only marry a virgin__ (need not complete further)

2. Conservative-Orthodox: will consider marrying a non-virgin__
num of kids (immediate family)? 1-3; 3-5; 6 or more__
num of children desired? 3 or more__ 6 or more__

Provide a detailed essay with your views on "long term relations & proportionate Jewelry selections!"

3. Conservative, will consider stopping at 2 children__ must home be maintained Kosher?__ (subtracts 10 points from total)

4. Reform (continue if circumcised & Bar Mitzvahed)__
a. describe the quantity & quality of your intended Jewelry selections
b. continue if you checked answer 6 or 7 to Q 2!

5. Future In-Laws (his parents)--What IF They?: Live 100+ miles away? (adds 10 points!) Live in court mandated supervised care? (adds 25 points) Are dead? (add one woeful gasp, then add 50 points); plus 75 points if answer 5 or 6 to Q 1 or if answer 5, 6 or 7 to Q 2!

Q 4. Your Physical traits:

CARROT: Symbolic of...?
Hey-try to stay PG-13, OK?

Per "Sister/Girlfriend" manual; 'SIZE MATTERS'!
1. Over 6' 2" (feel free to complete application)___
2. Under 6' (continue if accomplished body sculptor)__
3. Over 5'6" (Y or N: considering lifts?)___
4. Over 5' (troglodytes need not complete further)
5. Under 5' Have you considered a career move--to the circus?

B. CARROT Length
(i.e., see "Sister/Girlfriend" manual: 'SIZE MATTERS'!)
1. Up to 2" (a real great future awaits you--in the circus!)
2. 2" to 4" May we forward your application to--a girlfriend, or sister?__
3. 4" plus (continue only if you have no implants)__
4. 6" plus (include photo with Ruler alongside)__
5. 8" plus Download directions to my apt. The key is under the mat.

Viagra users: need not complete further

(attach recent lab work-up & urinalysis report)

C. Bed Habits

1. I like sex at least daily (feel free to complete rest of application)__
2. I like sex with more than one girl (review "Sister/Girlfriend" manual)__
3. I bed more than one girl, even if dating "commitedly"__ (consult "Sister/Girlfriend" manual & in detail describe the quantity & quality of your intended Jewelry selections)
4. My woman must sleep only with me __
a. control the tendency to smirk, again consult the "manual" then repeat "Jewelry" protocol
b. continue if you answered 3, 4 or 5 to Q 4 B!
5. I travel a lot...do what you want & here's a no limit platinum card__
Download directions to my apt. The key is under the mat.

Q5. Political/Moral beliefs:

(please submit only non-controversial topics for 1st date patter)

click for soundbite

1. I care about world peace__hunger__the homeless_(?)
2. I care about global warming__the enviornment__whales__(??)
3. I am politically active & intend to run for office__ (???)
4. I am a committed Zionist & wish to live in Israel__(!)
a. describe the quantity & quality of your intended Jewelry selections
b. continue if you answer choice 5 of Q 4 C!
5. I believe in fidelity, in open & honest marriages__

Provide detail of family 'baggage', behavior & intimate trysts; identify potential 'will contesters' whom may surface; list prior marraiges, deaths or standing court orders on family members +/or previous co-habitational relationship(s) since you attained the age of consent. Prepare to supply certified divorce decrees or death certificates. Applicant waives any protest rights & agrees herein to submit to a DNA test, if needed.

Thanks for your interest- I may respond (don't hold your breath!) within 10 days
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - (unless I meet Prince Charming by then!)- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Notes from Ed: I once met a lady from Chicago (35-ish, never married) with very specific criteria for finding & marrying her Jewish Prince. The frightening aspect of her behavior: she was hooked on internet dating, meeting every available guy in every city she visited (in case 'Mr. Right' was a casual cup of coffee away).

('she looks tasty')('gotta polish him off & move on')

She dated (up to) 4 new daily contacts. Between each she checked on the nearest net connection to chat rooms, her e-mail, etc. I was treated to a shocking & unique interpretation of marriage & family values! She exuded the same vapid assurance & manipulation of Golden Globe winner (Oscar nominee) Nichole Kidman (To Die For).

Nutured in such an enviornment, came this original bit of stunned Ed sarcasm---

This "test" also honors a favorite family Jewish humorist, Dan Greenburg.

Bearing chapter titles "Bread with Everything" and "Making Guilt Work" we howled as Dad read aloud from the '64 classic.

Dan Greenburg also wrote "How to Make Yourself Miserable (for the rest of the Century)", 1966.

Nichole, split from superstar Scientologist Tom Cruise, also played an ambitious adultress in Malice.

Ed teases Scientology, EST & mindtrips in : Semi-Tough Battlefield or Do Scientologists openly lust for Nichole Kidman?

**c 1999, 2001 "Crazy" Ed Savitt, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 


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