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Kissin' Cousins or
'Adultery & Ted Danson'
by 'Crazy Ed' Savitt
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| Ted Danson, America's
TV favorite of the 1980's, embodied the womanizing bartender
& philanderer, Sam Malone. A retired Boston Red Sox
professional baseball player, Sam was tall, with a chiseled-handsome
look (& full of himself). As the sometimes owner/bartender
of the Cheers bar, with its full accompaniment of mental
and social misfits, Sam alleged to nail any woman who
entered his bar. The regulars made book & lived vicariously
off Sam's sexual exploits. So the bar
topic for Carla and the regulars' rumor mill: Danson's
career-long entwined participation with angstful affairs.
Danson's film work pales next to his fine TV resume (a scary molester
in Something about Amelia; Gulliver's Travels). Hardly legendary,
most were so-so roles (Made in America, 3 men & a
Baby/Little Lady) or a cameo (Saving Private Ryan). There
are 3 movies which highlight his acting skills.
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 Danson
gained critical notice as the murdered cop in The
Onion Field. He tormented his partner (John Savage)
in nightmarish flashbacks. James Woods played the scary
killer.
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 Bamboozled
by the manipulative adultress Kathleen Turner, the murder
of her husband goes--badly for her male conspirator.
Body Heat was written & directed by Lawrence
Kasdan (Silverado, The Big Chill).
Body Heat (1981) was a steamy throwback to the noir
classic The Postman always Rings Twice.
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Ted Danson & William Hurt
Danson suspects his friend
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The '46 version starred Lana Turner &
John Garfield.
 
click
for larger image
Both Hurt & Garfield are
sent up for the crime.
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Sea of Love is a steamy trail to violent
deaths, all ex-lovers of Barkin.
(Ellen Barkin & Al Pacino)
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Adultery led to a near family meltdown for Michael Douglas
in Fatal Attraction. |
These affair thrillers created
a Jaws-type fear of vengence by a scorned partner.
Remember Glen Close's chilling "I won't be ignored…"
It won my special 1980's award for "scariest
swinger phrase", only unseated by the '90's
phrase "Lorena Bobbitt!"
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 Not
all infidelity ends in murder or imprisonment,
spins Cousins, an American version of the 1975 French
hit Cousin, Cousine. A touching movie (starring Ted
Danson and Isabella Rossellini) lightly mines a rich vein
of infidelity amongst spouses and cousins
(in-law).
With costars Lloyd Bridges, William Petersen
and Sean Young, bitter-sweet adulterous behavior coincides
with major family events (weddings, funerals). The comedically
weaved dishonesty & selfishness are followed by inevitable
pain, fear, uncertainty, etc. This movie is about love,
not sex. An affair as depravity is minimized:
the focus is the cumulative harmful effect of lies
on a family.
The unexpected happy ending: a sign by
a seaside café "Gone sailing"; a (magnificent)
musical score builds as the (recomposed) family (Ted, Isabella
& their kids) sail away into a perfect, pastoral Pacific
sunset.
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Well, for those amongst us who don't
watch soap operas...and like getting kissed when we get
screwed--
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 Let
me share a reality dose, having experienced the betrayal
and anger from adulterous behavior by my (1st and only)
wife. There are no pastoral sunsets or picnics, and you
don't end up dancing with Isabella Rossellini in formal
wear.
Oh, you may sail, but not on the Pacific. Expect
to sail to & from waiting rooms: of long
term therapists, credit card counselors, 12 step programs,
his & hers designer law firms, divorce mediators, school
psychologists & family welfare agencies (who privately
conclude you were a failure as a spouse/parent).
Oh, you may appear happy; content,
"glowing" & "free"
(of the blackguard or wench). In reality, self esteem &
confidence are sapped. Quiet nights & long weekends
are spent with your closest friends--the remote control
and a pint of Haagan D'aaz.
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 Except
for the guys around the Cheers bar-type watering hole, half
(or more) of the people you formerly counted on as 'friends'
now avoid you & the remaining humanoids have tired of
your particular hard luck story and so they--avoid you.
Okay, you do hear all the best divorce jokes. A CNBC
(stock market) reporter shared on the air "Did
you hear about Mattel's new 'Divorce Barbie' doll?
It comes with all Ken's stuff!" If you enjoy Barbie-bashing,
explore "Barbie's
nasty letter to Santa."
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Several types of recovery come with failed marriages: recovering
from bills, from damaged self-esteem and from the trauma
of betrayal.
The luxury yuppie sedan & the digital phone are replaced
by a beeper and a Nissan. Either you live alone or suffer
through a revolving door of roommates. You may join a health
club & try to push yourself "back into the game."
You wonder if she/he is doing better off socially than you.
Ted Danson was killed in Onion Field,
put his friend in jail in Body Heat, but it was in
Cousins that you could feel his pain. The
critics also noticed; a one-time romantic lead that
was convincing & equal to the dramatic skills of his
lovely co-star.
Note that Lloyd Bridges has his most charismatic
character since Airplane and he steals every big
laugh. Petersen (To Live & Die in L.A., C.S.I.)
is the perfect bastard & foil. Sean Young (Stripes)
is a great ditz. Keith Coogan (Toy Soldiers) is coming
into his own.
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 Sam
Malone on screen never regretted bedding both Cheers
leading ladies (Kirstie Alley, Shelly Long-Night Shift).
Ted Danson, however (with ex Casey at 1990 Emmys), suffered
public embarrassment ( i.e. Whoopie Goldberg) before landing
lovely Mary Steenburgen (Goin' South, Parenthood).
 click
for Cheers Theme
Click: Kirstie Alley (Look Who's Talking) for
California
Mind trips
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 Ted
Danson's series Becker received an EW second season
review (iss.#505, 10/1/99) "...the Cheers vet seems
more comfortable than ever in the title role. Becker still
isn't addictive, but it won't make you retch anymore, either."
That review provides another reality check
about the pain of relationships:
'They may not be addictive, but they won't
make me retch anymore!'
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Afterword: Ted Danson wasn't in
the "named" actors of the Stephen King/George Romero
horror movie/comic adaptation CREEPSHOW. But he did
play one vignette with Leslie Nielsen, called Something
to Tide You Over. Here he learned the horrifying revenge
potential of the scorned party in an affair!
This panel is from the comic adaptation; enjoy
the "full panel" images!
c "Crazy" Ed Savitt, 2001
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